So.... finally ready to say it...

Bad news:
I'm not pregnant anymore. We went in for our 8 week ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. I was devastated. First miscarriage. I took the medication for the miscarriage last Thursday night since it wasn't happening on it's own. I'm hoping to be pregnant again soon. I'm trying to look on the positive side of things, whatever side that is. I can continue to lose weight, and can get in better shape. We got our elliptical the day after we found out so I've been using that and feeling really good.

Good news:
Getting rid of more weight!



Yeah! I am down to 207.5. During the few weeks I was pregnant, it dropped to 208 then after the m/c it jumped up to 214. I fell off the wagon for a bit there and just didn't care. I then stopped and thought, crap.... this will be the end if I can't stop this. So I did. I'm back down to 207.5, fairly quickly. I think a lot of the weight had to do with the m/c and that's why it went down so quickly. Whatever the case may be, it's down. Plus I'm trying to do 20 min a day on the elliptical. My husband told me that I should try for 5 days not 7. I told him if my goal i 7, I'll do 5. I'll naturally miss days, like Wednesday night when I got invited to a girls night last minute and got home after 10pm. But then there are nights like last night that while my son is eating dinner, I can jump on an do 20 minutes.

We got the elliptical from Costco and I'm loving it. It has the iFit technology, which I'm not using yet, but will. iFit are little memory cards you can stick in the machine with pre-setup workouts. However, before I get those, the machine has a few workouts already set-up. There are two based on calorie goals, 275 and 525 (i think). I've been doing the one for 275 calories in 20 min. It automatically changes the resistance and tells me the goal for the rpm so I'm running hard, then medium, then hard... it's great. Love it.

I think my next item to wish for is a weight set.

I'm so excited that I've almost gotten rid of 50 pounds! FIFTY POUNDS! Holy Cow! That sounds insane! My son is 27 lbs so it will almost be like two of him. And he feels heavy just one of him.

I'm finally starting to feel smaller when I look in the mirror. I even had to go out and buy new underwear. I'm hoping to hit the 50lb mark by the end of the year, or by the middle of the December. (Unless I'm pregnant!) :)

Long time no.... anything...

So it's been a while, and a few things are going on. First...

I weighed in at 209.5 yesterday!!! Woo hoo!! I am so excited.

Second...

Yeah... pregnant... I'm sooooo excited. Right now, I'm due June 8th, 2011.

I was so nervous at first. I was so excited to be pregnant, but so frustrated that was just getting going on this weight loss. So I called up my doc who helped me with the weight loss. She said, eat like I have. Eat healthy, eat well. If I gain, oh well; if I lose, oh well; if I maintain, oh well. I need to be prepared to be ok with whatever happens. I have a new OB and he right out told me nope. You need to gain 20-25 pounds then start the weight loss over. WHAT? Are you kidding me? I just lost 41 pounds. So I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and my body will do what it will do.

I've already lost like 3 or 4 pounds. I was 215 at the doctors two weeks ago. I go in again on Wednesday so we'll see what he says. I've had morning sickness and can't keep full meals down. BLAH. I already have heartburn. I didn't have ANYTHING with my son so this is ALL new. Hopefully that means girl??? We'll know in about 9-13 weeks! I'm 7 weeks as of yesterday.

More to come!

213.5 again

I weighed myself today. I am still at 213.5. I am fine with that, better than 215 again! :) I'm still holding out that I will be 210 the morning of our flights next thursday.... we'll see.

It's been hot where I live so I've been wearing more skirts and dresses at work. I think I've worn fatty jeans and a fatty top everyday for the two years I've worked here. My boss came in and saw me in a skirt today for the first time and mentioned that I looked good and looked good in a skirt. That she doesn't see me in skirts and dresses much and it looked nice. That felt nice. I'm starting to fit into clothes that I haven't even looked at in 3 years. My mom this morning even commented that she's enjoying seeing clothes on me she hasn't seen in a while.

She went shopping with me this weekend. For the first time in ages I wasn't shopping at Lane Bryant or the plus side of Fashion Bug. I was at Macy's, in the regular section, looking at regular clothes. I found some cargo pants for our plane trip in a size 16 and a pair of longer shorts in the same style in a size 16. They fit great. My mom was impressed, I was happy. I bought a beautiful blue dress that I'm going to take with me as well.

I can't wait for my in-laws to see me and see how much weigh I've gotten rid of. I do hope I can say "40 lbs" when they ask how much. But "just about 40" is good enough :)

This is going to be a fun trip :)

I know I shouldn't...

but I weighed myself again today.

I weighed in today at 213.5. So it seems that every 5 or 10 pounds I hit a plateau and then once I get off of it, I lose quite a bit. I feel good. On my way to getting to 210 by Sept. 9th!!!

Feeling good

Despite not losing as much weight lately as I would have wanted I'm still down half a pound. I'm not surprised though. We have been so crazy busy I wouldn't have been surprised if I'd been up 2 or 3 pounds. I'm actually down 1 1/2 pounds from my last post. It seems like every 5 or 10 pounds I hit a plateau and then it takes a bit of time then I charge past it. I didn't get here overnight so I know it will take a while. My husband told me I'd have an elliptical by November so I'm excited. I think I'm getting to the point where I'll need more exercise than just walking to get more weight off. So I'm at 214.5 as of this morning. We go to visit my husbands family on September 9th and I'd LOVE to be at 210. That's a little under 3 weeks to lose 4.5 pounds. I think I can do it. I should be able to get rid of 3-6 pounds so it's no unrealistic.

Clothes: So I started this journey in my massive size 22's. My lovely husband took me out shopping this weekend for some new pants that aren't the one's I've storing away for "if I ever lose weight". I tried on 18's to be safe and they were too big!!! Yippie! So I picked up a new pair of size 16 jeans. Then found this cute pair of black and brown pants that were perfect in a size 16. They were all on clearance so it was perfect as we haven't wanted to buy too much as we are losing. But I've only been wearing jeans and nice tops to work since I've balloned so it's nice to have some different pants to wear besides jeans!

So I thought I'd check in and voice my thoughts. Next stop... 210 pounds!

Blah

After what felt like a great week, I'm up 1/2 a pound back to 216. Of course it's "that time of the month" so I have a feeling I'm weighing in with some extra unwanted bloat. I am really encouraged to get to 200. I just have to watch what I'm eating and pay attention. I had a nice salad for lunch today with some tuna salad on it and I am soooo full. Icky full. But it's a nice change to feel icky full from salad then something bad for me.

My husband and I are working to save up for an elliptical. He's guaranteed me we'll have one by November. I'm super excited!!! We've had some unusual expenses with surgeries, dog training, etc that just keep putting the things we want but don't necessarily "need" right now off. I can't wait to get it though and start exercising... I can only do so much walking!

Almost

So last night, I was craving a good old fashion spaghetti dinner. So I made a ground lean turkey meat sauce with spaghetti. So yummy. I added some red wine in and just let is simmer for about 30 minutes. It's a been a while since I've made it and it wasn't my best, but it was yummy.

And against my better judgment and my new rule that I wasn't going to do it, I weighed myself this morning. I still lost another 1/2 pound (got rid of I mean!). So I'm at 215.5 pounds and have gotten rid of 34.5 pounds.

I just started typing 24.5 and that seemed right. But then I thought no, it's more, no it's not. It's not almost 40 pounds, that's not right. Then I realized yes, it is. I'm down almost 40 pounds.

Think I can get rid of that next 5.5 pounds by Labor Day? The week after that is when we go to visit my husband's family. They haven't seen me since before Christmas, WAY before losing weight. We leave 6 weeks from yesterday. TECHNICALLY, I could get rid of 2 lbs a week for a total of 12 pounds. However I'm not putting that on me... I'd like to between 205 and 210 when we go, that's reasonable. We shall see.

Thursday Check-in

Woo hoo! 34 pounds gone! I'm feeling so encouraged and so excited about this journey. When I was pregnant with my son, I dropped to 216 lbs, but went back up again as the pregnancy progressed. Except for that, I don't think I've been at 216 for about 4 years.

I am feeling comfy today in my size 16 Gloria Vanderbilt jeans. I'm begging my husband to get my bin of "too small" clothes and jeans out of the garage so I can go "shopping". I'm curious to see what I can find to fit into. I found another size 16 jeans by Mossimo. I can't quite fit into those, plus they appear to ride much lower, they might be a lost cause :)

So... I'm excited...

BMI changes

I just realized that my BMI is dropping (obviously with the change in weight it will). However, I only recently started using the tracking system that shows my BMI so I went back to see what it was when I started.

At 250 lbs my BMI was 39.2
As of today at 217.5 lbs it is 34.1

It's decreased by over 5! Wow.

To put it in perspective....

At my goal of 150 lbs, it would be 23.5.

BMI Categories are as follows:

BMI Categories:

• Underweight = under 18.5
• Normal weight = 18.5–24.9
• Overweight = 25–29.9
• Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater

So I'm still in the Obesity range, but at 191 pounds I would have a BMI of 29.9, officially NOT obese, just Overweight. At 159 lbs it will be 24.9 and I'll be an official "normal weight".

Just interesting to see where my weight falls in "medical terms".

Checking-in

So we went to a friends house this past weekend and as I was leaving the room to go to the restroom, I overheard my husband telling our friends I was losing weight and say that I was onto losing almost 50lbs. 50 Pounds! Wow! To even realize that is my next logical step is insane. Of course I'm taking it 5lbs at a time. I'm down to 217.5 and I'm so excited.

I'm in a baggy size 18 or a semi-tight (but comfy) size 16. If I wear an 18, it's practically falling off within a few house. If I wear a 16 like I am now, they are just a tad tight but don't get too lose. AND to prove to myself that I wasn't just fitting in the size 16 because I had stretched them out in the past, I bought a new pair. Fit fine :) Yeah!

So my ultimate goal for 2010? Is this...

Or a version of this. I wore a dress almost similar (it might be this one) as a bridesmaid dress for my brother's wedding in 2005. I had lost about 15 or 20 pounds after buying it so I had to have it taken in, majorly! I believe if I can get to 190, I might be able to fit into it. I can't remember the exact weight I was at when I wore it. If I can reach my goal of 200 by my son's 2nd birthday in the middle of October, I should be able to do this by Christmas. Wouldn't this be a fun dress for a Christmas party??? I figure some more tangible goals would be helpful.

I also realized that one of the pairs of jeans I have hanging in my closet as "goal jeans" is a size 16, so I'm going to try them on tomorrow morning.

You want to know another secret? I'm in the middle of the tww. Don't know what that stands for? It's the two week wait. Don't know what that means? It's the two week wait to see if Aunt Flo comes. Yep.... I'm waiting. I'm due this Saturday, no pressure, it happens or it doesn't. If I'm pregnant, wonderful, I'm over the moon (but all goals are shot to hell). If I'm not pregnant, it gives me more time to get rid of more weight before getting pregnant. Oh and, with four girls born to friends and family this year, I'm ready for a little girl. I'm ready for another baby.

Oh, and another secret that would make being pregnant even easier, my dear husband got a fatty raise and bonus structure. We are again, over the moon with excitement.

Wish me luck...

Thursday Check-in

I weighed in today, Thursday, at 218 pounds! Woo hoo! I've gotten rid of 32 pounds. I still can't believe it. I've been doing really well, watching what I eat and being good :) I'm still not exercising regularly but I'm doing what I can when I can. Monday night I went on an hour and a half walk with the hubby and my son. It was nice to get out of the house together and hubby even bought me a coffee when we got into town. The wind picked up on the way back, but I think we all had fun getting out of the house.

I'm a little worried about my hubby. He was losing weight and doing really well when he was on this fundraising program. However now that it's over, he's not doing as well. He works really hard and he actually works out (basketball). He's not my problem to fix, I am the only thing I have control over. We are in the talks of another "Biggest Loser" competition, so we'll see what happens.

Anyways, except for this stupid cold that is trying to destroy me, I'm feeling good about this journey. I feel more "me" than I have in a long time. That's the point right?

New Goal

I updated my goal section over there ----->

Date I met Goal #1, and added Goal #2.

I feel rejuvenated with this. I know I'll do this, it will take a while, and will take many mini-goals, and there will be many ups and many downs, a few gains (not many), and a lot of loses, but in the end.... I know that I'm finding me again :)

Woo hoo, did it! I'm under 220!!! I weighed in today at 219.5 pounds!! I've gotten rid of 30.5 pounds. I can't believe it. When I went in to weight myself this morning I told my husband, wish me luck, I need to get rid of .5 pounds to hit a loss of 30. I came back out and told him I hadn't lost 1/2 pound, he was sympathetic till I told him I'd lost 1 pound! Yeah!!

I'm so glad to be past this plateau and moving on to the next mini-goal. I think I'll make it 40 lbs, just stay with the tens. I don't know if I want to set that for the end of July, last time I did that I didn't succeed. I think 6 weeks would be good. That would be August 13th (when we go camping) to have gotten rid of 40 lbs total. Can I do it? I think I can. I am only 20lbs from being half way there!!!! So this new goal would get me to 210 lbs. It's been A LONG time since I've been at 210. This is going to be great! :)

There is light at the end!

There just may a light at the end of this plateau tunnel I was stuck in the entire month of June. I weighed in again this morning at 220.5. Pretty considering I was at a pizza restaurant for a friends birthday party last night. I had two pieces of pizza and that was it. It's funny, I don't think I could have eaten another piece if I had wanted to. I can't seem to eat the same amount now, and that's a good thing.

Before this diet, I would eat my meal, probably over eating already by the time I even felt full. But then, because it was there, I would try to eat a little more and end up stuffed and feel icky. I can't even get half way through what I use to do and I feel full, and forget just getting those last few bites in! Ugh.

I've been having salads or soups for lunch at work (among a few other things) but today I wanted to have something different. I went and got a chicken burrito from next door. YUMMY, always! Slow cooked chicken, with rice and some salsa, that's it. I usually split it with a coworker but thought I'd have half for lunch and the rest for dinner. I could barely get through that half. And once I did, I feel ewww sick. So full and gross.

I guess that's how I know I'm changing my eating habits. Progress baby!

Losing again

So I'm back. The whole month of June seemed like a waste for my weight loss. I just hit 220.5 and I was so frustrated.

There's where I'm at. I'm 1/2 a pound from getting rid of 30lbs. Wow.

So what's been going on that got me stalled? I don't know, I thought I was doing everything right. I'm walking (not every day) and I'm eating well. I think it all started with Memorial Day weekend, then another party the next weekend, then Father's day weekend. I kept bouncing all over the place. 224, 221, 223, 222, it was ping pong ball on the scale. I talked with my doctor who thought it was all in my head. This whole weight loss so far has been more about getting it right in my head than anywhere else. I have the tools, I know what to do, but I wasn't doing them. I feel that I'm back on the right track and ready to get past the 220lb mark and onto the next mark (not sure what that is yet). Maybe that's been my problem, no direction? Hmmm

So I am keeping track of what I eat using WeightWatcher's online tools. It's really helpful. However lately, I haven't been eating all of my points. Food seems to have taken on a different thing for me of more of a fuel need than just a "stuff it in my face" need (whatever that is). If I get hungry (like I am a bit now at 4pm) I normally would have eaten just about anything, but I'm thinking more of something to get me through to dinner time. Some cottage cheese, a cheese stick, yogurt, something of that sort. While eating higher protein foods, I'm finding it keeps me full longer and I'm not that hungry later. I've actually skipped dinner a few (more than a few times to be honest) because I'm not hungry. I know that's not good, but it's not like I'm 98 pounds and starving here. Food is fuel isn't it? If I'm not hungry should I still eat a full meal?

Some of the things that I've been loving that get me through the day:

Microwavable cup of soup (Lite veggie, veggie pasta) with a 1/4 of an avocado cut up and put in after it heats. (It makes me think of the Tortilla soup at El Toritto, mmmm) The avocado fills me up and it's yummy.

Frozen Edamame beans. 1 to 1 1/2 cups with a little salt, mmmm, so yummy.

Salad with tomatoes, red onion, some avocado, cucumber and spray salad dressing. Depending on what else I'm eating with it, if nothing, I'll put a little tuna salad on the side, 1/4 cup for protein.

Veggie patty with two slices of cheese on top. (I will sometimes have this with the soup, it's a good 5 point meal)

Cottage cheese (2%) with fruit for breakfast

Cheese stick

Rice cakes (I will be buying stock in these before this diet is over!!!!) Great when I feel like I want to eat, but I'm not really hungry. It gets me past that hump that in the past would have derailed me. There are a lot of times I want to eat even though I'm not hungry, but I'm learning to identify if I'm hungry or not and what to do about it.

Pickles... just mmmm, love pickles (and no, I'm not pregnant)

Well, hopefully I hit 220 this week. I'll be posting more often.

I'm back

Believe it or not, Blogger canceled my account since they thought I was spam. Duh, don't blame them, no name. Oh well, I'm back....

Yoyo-ing

I'm a yoyo-ing fool!



No, not that kind. The weight kind. I weigh myself every day. This is so that I know how my body reacts to the different things I eat, don't eat, exercise, don't exercise, sleep, stress, whatever. I only track my weight once per week in weight watchers. So a few things have happened. In weighing myself every day, I see it go up and down, up and down. I've been frustrated. But then I go to track it in WW (Weight Watchers) and it's the same as the week before. Technically, I have been maintaining for two weeks. That's pretty good considering we had to major event weekends in a row. I can't count the weigh-ins between the check-in dates. I can, but I shouldn't. My weight can fluctuate +/- 2 pounds all in a week. So I was so frustrated Wednesday, but I've wrapped my brain around it again, and feel much better. Plus it helps I hit 221.5 today. Yeah. I seem to hit a snag just as I'm hitting another 10lbs gone. I struggled at 18lbs for a while before I hit 20lbs. I'm at the same point. I'm struggling at 28 before I'll hit 30. I want to hit 30lbs really bad.

So a few positives. For the first time in my life, I'm distinguishing the difference between I'm eating because I'm "Hungry" versus because I'm "bored, stresses, etc.". Yesterday was a good example. I'm eating more high protein foods, which keeps me fuller. However I found myself wanted to eat yesterday but when I thought about it, I was not hungry, maybe even full. I went to our work kitchen and nothing looked "good" but at the same time, I had this desire to munch. So I pulled out the rice cakes. I know already that rice cakes are going to be my crutch through the majority of this weight-loss journey. They are 30 calories, no fat, for 1 of them. I can munch on two for 1 point. They can be filling and definitely satisfies the "fake hunger" I'm experiencing. There are times I know I'm not hungry but I'll have a little snack anyways, but the difference now is that I'm aware of it. I'm not just stuffing food into my mouth absentmindedly.

Negative: Because I'm becoming more aware of my hunger signs, I'm tempted to not eat if I'm not "hungry". I mean why? If I'm home, baby is asleep, and it's time for dinner, if I'm not hungry, why eat? I start to feel like if I do I'm adding calories that aren't necessary. I'm not hungry, why eat? In a strange way, I'm taking advice from my 20 month old. We were told early on from our doctor that at this age, when it comes to quantity of food, they know best. They don't "know" how to over stuff themselves. Sometimes he'll eat like it's going out of style and sometimes, just a little bit. And that's fine. He's listening to his body and eating if he's hungry and not so much if he's not hungry. Why am I any different? However, I've found myself not eating dinner a few nights this week.

Is this bad? Am I going down a bad path? I'm not anorexic, far from it. I'm not starving to death. Dinner use to be the biggest meal of the day for me, now it's lunch time. I have a high-protein breakfast like oatmeal, cottage cheese or yogurt. I'm having for lunch a lean cuisine, soup with added avocado for protein, or a salad with 1/4 - 1/2 cup of tuna salad. My snacks throughout the day are rice cakes, cottage cheese, 1 or 2 mini peppermint patties (yum), cheese stick, edamame, marinated veggies or some light coleslaw. Dinner has been salad, soup (homemade), nothing, or an actual dinner I made. I don't think I'm going down a bad path, I think I'm creating a new path that I've never been down before.

I'm still in my size 18 jeans, I'm dying to get into my 16's. I'm so close. I can get them on, but they are tight. That would probably only last 30 minutes but that's not the point. I want to put them on a feel good, feel comfy.

I'm still walking at lunch. Some days, like yesterday, I don't make it out. It was too windy, plus we have relay for life this weekend and I'll be walking a lot.

Weight: 221.5
Pant Size: 18 (baggy)
Attitude: Positive
Mood: Tired

Post Memorial Day Weekend Post

So I'm back. We had a wonderful weekend away from home. My son did wonderful on the trip up and we played, visited, ate, drank, and played in the pool. It was his first time in the pool, a little scary for him, but he did a great job.

I did much better with my food than I thought I would. I tried to order salads, fish, vegetables and just some more healthy alternatives than I normally would have gotten on this trip. I think only one dinner did I get a pasta dish and it was so rich I didn't finish half. That was my other goal, not to finish. It helps when I have my son right there and I'm juggling feeding him, occupying him and trying to feed myself. I walked, we moved, and we went swimming (briefly).

I had purchased a new swimsuit, a "dress suit". It's like having a little skirt on over your suit. This one actually.

Cute right? It covers some of the more embarrassing parts and definitely helped me to feel more confident. When I told my husband that I'd go in the water with our son, he was shocked, me in the water? I think he was a little proud. Plus I needed him to help distract and entertain our little boy who was a little nervous about this "really big bath tub".

Anyways, after the holiday weekend, I was very curios to get on the scale to see the damage done. I've never been so eager to jump on a scale.

Tuesday morning: 225 - Argh! But I was okay, that was my high range of "ok". I realized I didn't eat that bad, there is no way. I know I didn't drink enough water and I'm at "that time of the month". So I'll eat well on Tuesday and see what Wednesday morning brings me.

Wednesday morning (official weigh-in day): 223

Wheww.... that's better. I gained 1 pound over a 4-day holiday weekend. I'm happy with that. I didn't reach my goal of 221 by June 1st. But did I really think I'd lose 1 pound over the holiday? No. Could I have, Yes. Am I "ok" with the outcome? YES YES YES>

So this weeks weight, 223 with 27 pounds lost. Onwards and upwards people!

222

That's all I have to say.

222 lbs

as of this morning. I'm skipping inside :)

Getting rid of it!

One of the things my doctor has been trying to teach me is how the vocabulary we use affects us subconsciously. The word "lose" mentaly implies something that has been "lost" and thus needs to be "found".

So when we say that we've "lost 2 pounds" our subconscious wants to "find" it. However true or not true this is, I like the idea. I've lost weight before, and I've found it again some time later. Boo :( This time, I'm getting rid of the weight, never to be found again!

Another of these examples is the word "try". My plan has been to walk during lunch. However, things come up, rain, work, other stuff.... So when my doctor asks me if I've been walking, I tell her "I'm trying to", she has told me that "trying" is an excuse for maybe not doing it. By saying I'm "trying" I'm already giving myself a way out. I will try, but that means I may or may not do it. Why "try", why not "do". So now I say that I "am walking". Yeah, there are days I don't, like yesterday when it was raining, but there are the majority of days I do. So I am walking. If I already have it in my head that I am "doing" it, than it's already there, it's part of the plan, it's part of my day, and I do it.

It's interesting to me how something as simple as the words we use can affect us. I'm not perfect at this. I know in this blog I mostly use the word "lost" in regards to my weight loss, I know I use the word "try" more than I should. However, it's something to keep in the back of my mind.

The words that I've changed that seem to be helping me change have been: Forgiveness, Gone, Do, OK, ME.

Forgiveness: It's okay to not be perfect in this journey. I will struggle and I will get back up and I will get there.

Gone: It's gone, the weight is gone, not lost. The clothes that I get too small for, my size 22 jeans, my size 20 jeans, GONE. Not kept in a corner or a drawer "just in case". Just in case of what? Gone... gone... GONE.

Do: Just do it. Yeah, it's corny, but it's true. I'm not trying to lose weight, I am losing weight. I'm not trying to be better, I am getting better. I'm not trying to be myself again, I am becoming myself again.

OK: I'm okay. I'm okay the way I am, I'm okay the way I was, and I'm certainly going to be okay in the future.

ME: I am who I am. That's all I can be. I'm not superwoman, I am me. Being me, is key and taking care of me is the answer. Putting "ME" at the top of my priority list, it's a first but it's necessary to even have my son as #2. I can't care for him if I'm not taking care of myself. My son as #2? That almost hurts to write. However, myself as #1, it has to be for everything else to work.

Oh, and after all my rambling (remember, I hate writing!), I weighed myself today. 223 lbs. I've lost 27 lbs and I'm 2 lbs from my goal for Monday. I don't even know if our hotel has a scale :) I'm happy. That's what matters.

Ugh, Ugh and Double Ugh

That's how I feel, just ugh. My son was off and on sick all weekend. He's had an on going cough that is too infrequent for it be considered a "he's sick" cough. He had some high temps this past weekend but they finally broke last night and this morning with no rash so far. Thank goodness.

I'm really trying to understand my body and how it reacts to what I put in it. I did really well Friday, I even worked out a bit harder since I had been home with our sick child. I discovered a new option on our Wii. I love the step program and it just opened up free step. I can set it for so many minutes, it gives me a goal of steps, then go. It beeps out the rhythm in the control, shouts out encouragement and lets me know when I've reached the 100, 200 and so on steps. I can the switch back over to TV and watch a show while a "free step". I purchased this raiser so that I can eventually raise it so it's more like the step platforms at gyms, but I haven't gotten there yet.

So back to weight. I was good, I had a coffee, had soup for lunch. Good dinner with the hubby. I got on the scale the next morning and whoa... I was up like 1 1/2 pounds. What??? What happened? I did everything right! Ugh.

So Saturday, I was discouraged, but I still stayed on track while we did errands. I got on the scale on Sunday and what??? Up another pound. No here is where I find myself needing to step back and figure out what is going on. I could not have eaten enough to physically gain 2 1/2 pounds in two days. This was either water weight, hormones, or the weight of worrying about a sick child weighs exactly 2 1/2 pounds on my shoulders. Again, I was discouraged.

Sunday, I wasn't as good. We went to a buffet for brunch. I didn't go back for seconds, I didn't even finish what was on my plate (waste of money) but I did enjoy the mimosa's :) I didn't eat "well" but I didn't overeat either. That was good. Our dinner should have been something light after what we had for brunch but no, it wasn't. I think I had gone down the... if I gained, I'll just eat.

But what was I doing? I wanted to lose weight. I have a goal that is coming up in a week plus a big holiday weekend with family right before it!!! That should be my semi-whatever weekend, not this one! UGh. So Sunday morning had me back up to a whopping 227.5 that was 3 pounds up from where I was on Wednesday morning. BLAH!

I didn't want to look like this forever!


So I weighed myself Monday morning thinking why? It's going to be up and what's the point. The point is being consistent and learning. So I weighed, and the scale came back taunting me with a 226. Ummm ok. After all of my "whatever's" on Sunday it's down? THIS IS WHY I'M WEIGHING MYSELF EVERYDAY! (that's in caps to stick it in my brain better). So that no single day matters except the one "tracking" day.

Monday, I did really well. I watched what I ate, I listened to my hunger cues, and I even went walking. I ate soup for dinner, no crackers and no wine. I was craving something, I would go to the kitchen and look through what we had. Hmmmmm nothing jumped out at me. Recently I've been into my son's goldfish crackers. We didn't have any, that was a good thing. I don't think he'd notice if we didn't get them for a while.

So Tuesday morning weigh-in. I got up feeling confident and hopped on the scale. It was taunting me again. With 223.5!!! Woo hoo! But what?

So from Wednesday morning to Tuesday morning I went from 224.5 down to 223.5. I lost a pound. I didn't gain three, I lost one. After all of the ups and downs, my weekly loss was still 1 pound. Should have been better, but considering the roller coaster I had apparently just gotten off, I was happy.

I was also happy since it buts me closer to my goal of 220. 3 1/2 pounds in 6 days? Maybe, Maybe no. We'll see. I'll be excited if I do and happy if I don't. My goal with my doctor was actually ten pounds from where I was at our last appointment at a 19 lb loss. So for that goal realistically, I would need to get to 221. Again, doable. But with Memorial Day weekend at the end? That will be the real test :)

Wish me luck.

Up and Down and Up and Down

I guess my "getting back on track" yesterday really helped. I weighed in today at... 224.5 lbs. I'm happy :)

My son will be two in October. That's in a little under 5 months from now. I'd like to lose another 20-25 pounds by then. Perhaps I could be under 200 by then, how cool would that be? I'm trying NOT to set unrealistic goals. 20 pounds in 5 months is completely do-able. It's tight, but it's do-able. There is no room for error. So what do I do? Do I go ahead and set the goal knowing that there is always a chance I won't hit it? or do I set a more "padded" goal of 25 pounds by Christmas? Goals are hard. I have one right now. I wanted to lose an additional 10 lbs by the end of May (this started the middle of April). That would bring me to 221 lbs. I think I can still do it (except for the big Memorial Day weekend at the end! ). Isn't part of what I'm try to change in myself the ability to forgive myself if I don't meet my goals? I am afraid. I'm afraid I won't meet my goals, and I'll spiral out of control. What am I gaining by giving myself "padded" goals? Just an excuse not to meet them right? Right. No more excuses. I'm going to put my goals up on a side bar here and stick to them. I may hit them, I may not. But that's where I'm going to need to grow and learn to even lose the weight in the long run. So here goes...

Goal #1: 221 lbs by May 31st
Goal #2: 200 lbs by October 14th

What are your goals? Weight loss, work, anything...

Tuesday Weigh-In

Okay. Here goes. I weighed in today for my weekly check-in.

226

Argh!! I was 225.5 last week. Yes, that's not a big deal. Especially if you consider we were at a party this weekend and I let go a little bit.

I weigh myself every morning, but I only count Tuesday morning for tracking purposes. (I'm thinking of switching this to Thursday or Friday morning but I'm not sure.)

I know what I weighed before the party, 225, I know what I weighed the day after the party, 226.5 and I know what I weighed today after two days back on track, 226. So am I upset? I think I was a little bit, but I'm not now.

Why? Because I know what my body is doing now. One of the reasons I got to where I am now with my weight is I didn't know my body. I would have a weekend like this last one and I'd go a little overboard. And what would I do? I'd stress about what I'd gained. I'd worry I'd gained like 2 or 3 pounds. I had messed up. How did I know about this weight gain? I didn't. I didn't weight myself. I was guessing. Then I'd end up in the downward spiral that would leave me slightly depressed and I would find it difficult to get "back on track" the next day. This would double the trouble if not worse.

Now I realize, it's one day. My body will bounce back. I didn't gain 3 pounds, I gained 1 1/2 pounds. But is that really how much? Could I gain 1 1/2 pounds in 24 hours? Not really, not with what I ate. It's water weight, it's salt, it's wine, it's staying up too late.

So I gained, I'm okay with it. For the first time in a long time, weight gain isn't bothering me, it's causing me to look back at what I ate and why the scale says what it says.

I'm not going to put my life on hold so I can lose weight, I'll change it, but I'm still going to have fun, still going to have pizza, still going to have the occasional cocktail. AND... I'm still going to lose weight.

Monday, Monday, Monday...

I have been attempting to do an all veggie and fruit day on Mondays as a sort of cleanse. No salt, no additives, no coffee, no wine, just fruit and veggies. I thought easy... no... it's hard.

It's easy during the apple and berries with breakfast and the water with lemon on the side. It's easy as I munch celery around 10am. It was harder for lunch. A salad with bunch of fruit with lemon juice on it. The fruit ended up adding that something extra that I was missing from the salad dressing. I made sure to have avocado in it since it keeps you full longer. Then at 3pm, it was hard. I wanted a pieces of cheese, a piece of meat, even a rice cake. A rice cake! I was craving a rice cake, had it really come to that? I started this four weeks ago. I did fine the first Monday. I did ok the second Monday. Last Monday I couldn't get past 3pm before I caved. I still tracked everything in weight watchers, even after the "cave" it was good for me.

What did I learn? A day of all veggies and fruit can be good for you. A good way the cleanse. Am I the type of person that can do this? Yes. Do I want to? No. Why? The more I deprive myself of something the more I want it. The reason I like Weight Watchers is it teaches that anything is okay in moderation. I can have pizza for dinner if I ate appropriately for lunch. I don't "crave" as much as I use to because I know I could always have it later, on a better day, on a day off, after my next goal.

I figured that was a good step, I'd gotten to the point where I was craving a rice cake, not a cookie, a rice cake.

Yeah for progress.

Keep you fingers crossed, I weigh myself tomorrow. This past weekend I went up a little, I think due to water retention from some salty food. Let's hope that it and more is gone tomorrow morning. I've got goals to meet!

Vegetable Soup

This is the Vegetable Soup that I've been making on the weekends so that we have for the week. The other nice thing about this is since I work full-time, if I get home and just don't have the time, energy or supplies for dinner, it's ready. Then hubby and I aren't going for take-out or something else that's just going to end up on my hips.

Ingredients:
3 Medium Onions
3 cups chopped carrots (I use baby carrots and just cut them into thirds)
1 Whole Head of Celery
4-5 Zucchini
4-5 Garlic cloves (Depending on your level of garlic that you want.)
Salt
Italian Seasoning
1 Bay Leaf
White Pepper
Chicken Bouillon (4-5 cubes)

Directions:

I spray the bottom of the pan with pam (I'm trying to avoid extra oil). I coarsely chop all of the vegetables and put them in the pot. Add seasonings and any others you want to taste. Let all the vegetable simmer while stirring till they are all fairly soft. I add the chicken bouillon cubes half way through the simmering. The steam "melts" them and I get more flavor in the veggies. Once the veggies are soft, I add water till it covers the veggies about 2 inches. You can always add more water, but this is a "meatier" veggie soup that we can have as a dinner.

Options:
-Add any veggies you want, Bell Peppers, Yellow Squash, etc. It's fun to mix it up.
-I sometimes add a can or two of Black Eyed Peas for something different.
-Add a few tablespoons of mustard. It gives it a lot of flavor without having to add a lot of salt.

One bonus to this is my son (19 months old) LOVES it. I give him the veggies without the broth and he eats it up. Even the big chunks of garlic.

Yes, it's simple, but it's good. Have fun, make it your own. I just made a big pot of it today. Enjoy.

Who Am I?

Like my profile over there --> says, I am 32 years old. I am female. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a daughter, a sister, a aunt, a cousin, a friend, an employee and I am me. But who is "me"? Who am I? When I was 20 did I know? When I was going to school and hanging out with friends, going to bars, going to games, dating, did I know? Do we ever? Who am I past all of the "titles" I've given myself. I know I'd like to be a great wife, a terrific mom and a wonderful person.

Over the years I have lost track of me. This is me. I am Italian. I don't look it thanks to my mom's genes, but I consider myself Italian (yes 1/2, but don't argue with me, I'm Italian). I LOVE to cook. I love to cook things I do so well and I love to cook things I've never tried and only eatten at special places. I love to be creative, I can knit, I can draw, I love photography and I hate writing. Yeah, writing.

Also over the years, I've gotten fat. I'll say it, fat. When I met my husband I was working out, doing weight watchers, I looked good. Then it all went to hell in a handbasket. I started cooking for him, look at the lasagne I made, ooh, look at the cookies I made. Our first trip to see his mom, my jeans didn't fit. What? When did that happen? Oh well, out to get new one's. And this has happened over and over and over again.

Ok, so I created this blog to write, to get it off my chest, to be brutually honest with myself and who I am. I don't know you, you don't know me... I'll be honest.

When I met my husband 8 years ago, I had just hit 154 pounds. I was wearing a size 10, but had just found the most god-awful jeans in an 8 that fit! An 8, wow. But they were ugly. So what did I do? I bought them. Why? They were a size 8 that fit duh! I kept looking at myself thinking, I'm overweight, I need to lose more. In reality, yeah, probably. I could have probably lost another 10 pounds. What did I do? I gained instead. I have yo-yo'd up and down the last 8 years. MANY more ups than downs on the big ol' scale of life. On January 1st of this year, I weight in at 250 pounds. Oh shit, really? That much? I was 19 pounds OVER what I was when I got preganant with my son. That's a lot of weight!

I decided right then and there no more! I'm over this. What will my son grow up thinking? What lessons am I teaching him? I want him to learn health, and fitness, and self-confidence from me. None of which I was able to at that moment. So I have spent the last 4 1/2 months starting. This isn't going to be a quick fix. No surgery for this, no quick pill. It took me a long time to do this, it will take me a while to get back.

Where am I now?

I've lost 25 pounds. Yep, I'm happy. I was in a size 22 jean in January. Right now as I type I'm in an 18. My son weights 25 pounds. I carry him around and think, wow, that's heavy.

What am I doing?

I started with Hypno-therapy. I figured, the things that have gotten me to this point are pretty established. I need to change my mindset before I'll be able to do anything that will be permanent. Would I have been able to start without hypno-theraphy? Yeah. But I felt that I need to fix my way of thinking before I would really be able to lose weight. I've also started walking at lunch. I don't have a gym membership. I also have plantar-faciatis (sp?) in both feet, so I need to be careful. I walk 30 min 5 days during the week and try to chase my son on the weekends. My feet are better and I can go further in the same time each week.

Food?

I eat less. I've started to think of food as fuel. At 4pm at the end of the day, I pass over the possible cracker snack and instead go with a cheese stick, something that will help get me through to dinner. I've started to make a big pot of veggie soup each Sunday. So Monday through Thursday dinners are either soup or salad for me. I am doing weight watchers online and track what I eat. Even the bad stuff.

Attitude?

I'm worth it, and it's okay if I mess up. I can have a bad day and not completely lose it. This weight loss thing might take a year, it might take two or three, but I'll get there. I know it I will this time.

I'm also weighing myself each morning but only track it on Tuesday mornings. I'm learning how my body reacts to salt, too much food, not enough food, alcohol, exercise, etc.

So that's a long introduction. But that's "me" right now.

I am going to use this blog as a sort of journal. I will be trying to post once a day my thoughts, how I did, perhaps some recipes. I'll update my weight tracker every tuesday (or more if I get good news). I've finally realized that in order to lose the weight I need, I need to gain my self-confidence back firts. How do you do that when you don't like what you see in the mirror? I'm going to find out.

and P.S... today was the first time that I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw.

-ME