Who Am I?

Like my profile over there --> says, I am 32 years old. I am female. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a daughter, a sister, a aunt, a cousin, a friend, an employee and I am me. But who is "me"? Who am I? When I was 20 did I know? When I was going to school and hanging out with friends, going to bars, going to games, dating, did I know? Do we ever? Who am I past all of the "titles" I've given myself. I know I'd like to be a great wife, a terrific mom and a wonderful person.

Over the years I have lost track of me. This is me. I am Italian. I don't look it thanks to my mom's genes, but I consider myself Italian (yes 1/2, but don't argue with me, I'm Italian). I LOVE to cook. I love to cook things I do so well and I love to cook things I've never tried and only eatten at special places. I love to be creative, I can knit, I can draw, I love photography and I hate writing. Yeah, writing.

Also over the years, I've gotten fat. I'll say it, fat. When I met my husband I was working out, doing weight watchers, I looked good. Then it all went to hell in a handbasket. I started cooking for him, look at the lasagne I made, ooh, look at the cookies I made. Our first trip to see his mom, my jeans didn't fit. What? When did that happen? Oh well, out to get new one's. And this has happened over and over and over again.

Ok, so I created this blog to write, to get it off my chest, to be brutually honest with myself and who I am. I don't know you, you don't know me... I'll be honest.

When I met my husband 8 years ago, I had just hit 154 pounds. I was wearing a size 10, but had just found the most god-awful jeans in an 8 that fit! An 8, wow. But they were ugly. So what did I do? I bought them. Why? They were a size 8 that fit duh! I kept looking at myself thinking, I'm overweight, I need to lose more. In reality, yeah, probably. I could have probably lost another 10 pounds. What did I do? I gained instead. I have yo-yo'd up and down the last 8 years. MANY more ups than downs on the big ol' scale of life. On January 1st of this year, I weight in at 250 pounds. Oh shit, really? That much? I was 19 pounds OVER what I was when I got preganant with my son. That's a lot of weight!

I decided right then and there no more! I'm over this. What will my son grow up thinking? What lessons am I teaching him? I want him to learn health, and fitness, and self-confidence from me. None of which I was able to at that moment. So I have spent the last 4 1/2 months starting. This isn't going to be a quick fix. No surgery for this, no quick pill. It took me a long time to do this, it will take me a while to get back.

Where am I now?

I've lost 25 pounds. Yep, I'm happy. I was in a size 22 jean in January. Right now as I type I'm in an 18. My son weights 25 pounds. I carry him around and think, wow, that's heavy.

What am I doing?

I started with Hypno-therapy. I figured, the things that have gotten me to this point are pretty established. I need to change my mindset before I'll be able to do anything that will be permanent. Would I have been able to start without hypno-theraphy? Yeah. But I felt that I need to fix my way of thinking before I would really be able to lose weight. I've also started walking at lunch. I don't have a gym membership. I also have plantar-faciatis (sp?) in both feet, so I need to be careful. I walk 30 min 5 days during the week and try to chase my son on the weekends. My feet are better and I can go further in the same time each week.

Food?

I eat less. I've started to think of food as fuel. At 4pm at the end of the day, I pass over the possible cracker snack and instead go with a cheese stick, something that will help get me through to dinner. I've started to make a big pot of veggie soup each Sunday. So Monday through Thursday dinners are either soup or salad for me. I am doing weight watchers online and track what I eat. Even the bad stuff.

Attitude?

I'm worth it, and it's okay if I mess up. I can have a bad day and not completely lose it. This weight loss thing might take a year, it might take two or three, but I'll get there. I know it I will this time.

I'm also weighing myself each morning but only track it on Tuesday mornings. I'm learning how my body reacts to salt, too much food, not enough food, alcohol, exercise, etc.

So that's a long introduction. But that's "me" right now.

I am going to use this blog as a sort of journal. I will be trying to post once a day my thoughts, how I did, perhaps some recipes. I'll update my weight tracker every tuesday (or more if I get good news). I've finally realized that in order to lose the weight I need, I need to gain my self-confidence back firts. How do you do that when you don't like what you see in the mirror? I'm going to find out.

and P.S... today was the first time that I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw.

-ME