222

That's all I have to say.

222 lbs

as of this morning. I'm skipping inside :)

Getting rid of it!

One of the things my doctor has been trying to teach me is how the vocabulary we use affects us subconsciously. The word "lose" mentaly implies something that has been "lost" and thus needs to be "found".

So when we say that we've "lost 2 pounds" our subconscious wants to "find" it. However true or not true this is, I like the idea. I've lost weight before, and I've found it again some time later. Boo :( This time, I'm getting rid of the weight, never to be found again!

Another of these examples is the word "try". My plan has been to walk during lunch. However, things come up, rain, work, other stuff.... So when my doctor asks me if I've been walking, I tell her "I'm trying to", she has told me that "trying" is an excuse for maybe not doing it. By saying I'm "trying" I'm already giving myself a way out. I will try, but that means I may or may not do it. Why "try", why not "do". So now I say that I "am walking". Yeah, there are days I don't, like yesterday when it was raining, but there are the majority of days I do. So I am walking. If I already have it in my head that I am "doing" it, than it's already there, it's part of the plan, it's part of my day, and I do it.

It's interesting to me how something as simple as the words we use can affect us. I'm not perfect at this. I know in this blog I mostly use the word "lost" in regards to my weight loss, I know I use the word "try" more than I should. However, it's something to keep in the back of my mind.

The words that I've changed that seem to be helping me change have been: Forgiveness, Gone, Do, OK, ME.

Forgiveness: It's okay to not be perfect in this journey. I will struggle and I will get back up and I will get there.

Gone: It's gone, the weight is gone, not lost. The clothes that I get too small for, my size 22 jeans, my size 20 jeans, GONE. Not kept in a corner or a drawer "just in case". Just in case of what? Gone... gone... GONE.

Do: Just do it. Yeah, it's corny, but it's true. I'm not trying to lose weight, I am losing weight. I'm not trying to be better, I am getting better. I'm not trying to be myself again, I am becoming myself again.

OK: I'm okay. I'm okay the way I am, I'm okay the way I was, and I'm certainly going to be okay in the future.

ME: I am who I am. That's all I can be. I'm not superwoman, I am me. Being me, is key and taking care of me is the answer. Putting "ME" at the top of my priority list, it's a first but it's necessary to even have my son as #2. I can't care for him if I'm not taking care of myself. My son as #2? That almost hurts to write. However, myself as #1, it has to be for everything else to work.

Oh, and after all my rambling (remember, I hate writing!), I weighed myself today. 223 lbs. I've lost 27 lbs and I'm 2 lbs from my goal for Monday. I don't even know if our hotel has a scale :) I'm happy. That's what matters.

Ugh, Ugh and Double Ugh

That's how I feel, just ugh. My son was off and on sick all weekend. He's had an on going cough that is too infrequent for it be considered a "he's sick" cough. He had some high temps this past weekend but they finally broke last night and this morning with no rash so far. Thank goodness.

I'm really trying to understand my body and how it reacts to what I put in it. I did really well Friday, I even worked out a bit harder since I had been home with our sick child. I discovered a new option on our Wii. I love the step program and it just opened up free step. I can set it for so many minutes, it gives me a goal of steps, then go. It beeps out the rhythm in the control, shouts out encouragement and lets me know when I've reached the 100, 200 and so on steps. I can the switch back over to TV and watch a show while a "free step". I purchased this raiser so that I can eventually raise it so it's more like the step platforms at gyms, but I haven't gotten there yet.

So back to weight. I was good, I had a coffee, had soup for lunch. Good dinner with the hubby. I got on the scale the next morning and whoa... I was up like 1 1/2 pounds. What??? What happened? I did everything right! Ugh.

So Saturday, I was discouraged, but I still stayed on track while we did errands. I got on the scale on Sunday and what??? Up another pound. No here is where I find myself needing to step back and figure out what is going on. I could not have eaten enough to physically gain 2 1/2 pounds in two days. This was either water weight, hormones, or the weight of worrying about a sick child weighs exactly 2 1/2 pounds on my shoulders. Again, I was discouraged.

Sunday, I wasn't as good. We went to a buffet for brunch. I didn't go back for seconds, I didn't even finish what was on my plate (waste of money) but I did enjoy the mimosa's :) I didn't eat "well" but I didn't overeat either. That was good. Our dinner should have been something light after what we had for brunch but no, it wasn't. I think I had gone down the... if I gained, I'll just eat.

But what was I doing? I wanted to lose weight. I have a goal that is coming up in a week plus a big holiday weekend with family right before it!!! That should be my semi-whatever weekend, not this one! UGh. So Sunday morning had me back up to a whopping 227.5 that was 3 pounds up from where I was on Wednesday morning. BLAH!

I didn't want to look like this forever!


So I weighed myself Monday morning thinking why? It's going to be up and what's the point. The point is being consistent and learning. So I weighed, and the scale came back taunting me with a 226. Ummm ok. After all of my "whatever's" on Sunday it's down? THIS IS WHY I'M WEIGHING MYSELF EVERYDAY! (that's in caps to stick it in my brain better). So that no single day matters except the one "tracking" day.

Monday, I did really well. I watched what I ate, I listened to my hunger cues, and I even went walking. I ate soup for dinner, no crackers and no wine. I was craving something, I would go to the kitchen and look through what we had. Hmmmmm nothing jumped out at me. Recently I've been into my son's goldfish crackers. We didn't have any, that was a good thing. I don't think he'd notice if we didn't get them for a while.

So Tuesday morning weigh-in. I got up feeling confident and hopped on the scale. It was taunting me again. With 223.5!!! Woo hoo! But what?

So from Wednesday morning to Tuesday morning I went from 224.5 down to 223.5. I lost a pound. I didn't gain three, I lost one. After all of the ups and downs, my weekly loss was still 1 pound. Should have been better, but considering the roller coaster I had apparently just gotten off, I was happy.

I was also happy since it buts me closer to my goal of 220. 3 1/2 pounds in 6 days? Maybe, Maybe no. We'll see. I'll be excited if I do and happy if I don't. My goal with my doctor was actually ten pounds from where I was at our last appointment at a 19 lb loss. So for that goal realistically, I would need to get to 221. Again, doable. But with Memorial Day weekend at the end? That will be the real test :)

Wish me luck.

Up and Down and Up and Down

I guess my "getting back on track" yesterday really helped. I weighed in today at... 224.5 lbs. I'm happy :)

My son will be two in October. That's in a little under 5 months from now. I'd like to lose another 20-25 pounds by then. Perhaps I could be under 200 by then, how cool would that be? I'm trying NOT to set unrealistic goals. 20 pounds in 5 months is completely do-able. It's tight, but it's do-able. There is no room for error. So what do I do? Do I go ahead and set the goal knowing that there is always a chance I won't hit it? or do I set a more "padded" goal of 25 pounds by Christmas? Goals are hard. I have one right now. I wanted to lose an additional 10 lbs by the end of May (this started the middle of April). That would bring me to 221 lbs. I think I can still do it (except for the big Memorial Day weekend at the end! ). Isn't part of what I'm try to change in myself the ability to forgive myself if I don't meet my goals? I am afraid. I'm afraid I won't meet my goals, and I'll spiral out of control. What am I gaining by giving myself "padded" goals? Just an excuse not to meet them right? Right. No more excuses. I'm going to put my goals up on a side bar here and stick to them. I may hit them, I may not. But that's where I'm going to need to grow and learn to even lose the weight in the long run. So here goes...

Goal #1: 221 lbs by May 31st
Goal #2: 200 lbs by October 14th

What are your goals? Weight loss, work, anything...

Tuesday Weigh-In

Okay. Here goes. I weighed in today for my weekly check-in.

226

Argh!! I was 225.5 last week. Yes, that's not a big deal. Especially if you consider we were at a party this weekend and I let go a little bit.

I weigh myself every morning, but I only count Tuesday morning for tracking purposes. (I'm thinking of switching this to Thursday or Friday morning but I'm not sure.)

I know what I weighed before the party, 225, I know what I weighed the day after the party, 226.5 and I know what I weighed today after two days back on track, 226. So am I upset? I think I was a little bit, but I'm not now.

Why? Because I know what my body is doing now. One of the reasons I got to where I am now with my weight is I didn't know my body. I would have a weekend like this last one and I'd go a little overboard. And what would I do? I'd stress about what I'd gained. I'd worry I'd gained like 2 or 3 pounds. I had messed up. How did I know about this weight gain? I didn't. I didn't weight myself. I was guessing. Then I'd end up in the downward spiral that would leave me slightly depressed and I would find it difficult to get "back on track" the next day. This would double the trouble if not worse.

Now I realize, it's one day. My body will bounce back. I didn't gain 3 pounds, I gained 1 1/2 pounds. But is that really how much? Could I gain 1 1/2 pounds in 24 hours? Not really, not with what I ate. It's water weight, it's salt, it's wine, it's staying up too late.

So I gained, I'm okay with it. For the first time in a long time, weight gain isn't bothering me, it's causing me to look back at what I ate and why the scale says what it says.

I'm not going to put my life on hold so I can lose weight, I'll change it, but I'm still going to have fun, still going to have pizza, still going to have the occasional cocktail. AND... I'm still going to lose weight.

Monday, Monday, Monday...

I have been attempting to do an all veggie and fruit day on Mondays as a sort of cleanse. No salt, no additives, no coffee, no wine, just fruit and veggies. I thought easy... no... it's hard.

It's easy during the apple and berries with breakfast and the water with lemon on the side. It's easy as I munch celery around 10am. It was harder for lunch. A salad with bunch of fruit with lemon juice on it. The fruit ended up adding that something extra that I was missing from the salad dressing. I made sure to have avocado in it since it keeps you full longer. Then at 3pm, it was hard. I wanted a pieces of cheese, a piece of meat, even a rice cake. A rice cake! I was craving a rice cake, had it really come to that? I started this four weeks ago. I did fine the first Monday. I did ok the second Monday. Last Monday I couldn't get past 3pm before I caved. I still tracked everything in weight watchers, even after the "cave" it was good for me.

What did I learn? A day of all veggies and fruit can be good for you. A good way the cleanse. Am I the type of person that can do this? Yes. Do I want to? No. Why? The more I deprive myself of something the more I want it. The reason I like Weight Watchers is it teaches that anything is okay in moderation. I can have pizza for dinner if I ate appropriately for lunch. I don't "crave" as much as I use to because I know I could always have it later, on a better day, on a day off, after my next goal.

I figured that was a good step, I'd gotten to the point where I was craving a rice cake, not a cookie, a rice cake.

Yeah for progress.

Keep you fingers crossed, I weigh myself tomorrow. This past weekend I went up a little, I think due to water retention from some salty food. Let's hope that it and more is gone tomorrow morning. I've got goals to meet!

Vegetable Soup

This is the Vegetable Soup that I've been making on the weekends so that we have for the week. The other nice thing about this is since I work full-time, if I get home and just don't have the time, energy or supplies for dinner, it's ready. Then hubby and I aren't going for take-out or something else that's just going to end up on my hips.

Ingredients:
3 Medium Onions
3 cups chopped carrots (I use baby carrots and just cut them into thirds)
1 Whole Head of Celery
4-5 Zucchini
4-5 Garlic cloves (Depending on your level of garlic that you want.)
Salt
Italian Seasoning
1 Bay Leaf
White Pepper
Chicken Bouillon (4-5 cubes)

Directions:

I spray the bottom of the pan with pam (I'm trying to avoid extra oil). I coarsely chop all of the vegetables and put them in the pot. Add seasonings and any others you want to taste. Let all the vegetable simmer while stirring till they are all fairly soft. I add the chicken bouillon cubes half way through the simmering. The steam "melts" them and I get more flavor in the veggies. Once the veggies are soft, I add water till it covers the veggies about 2 inches. You can always add more water, but this is a "meatier" veggie soup that we can have as a dinner.

Options:
-Add any veggies you want, Bell Peppers, Yellow Squash, etc. It's fun to mix it up.
-I sometimes add a can or two of Black Eyed Peas for something different.
-Add a few tablespoons of mustard. It gives it a lot of flavor without having to add a lot of salt.

One bonus to this is my son (19 months old) LOVES it. I give him the veggies without the broth and he eats it up. Even the big chunks of garlic.

Yes, it's simple, but it's good. Have fun, make it your own. I just made a big pot of it today. Enjoy.

Who Am I?

Like my profile over there --> says, I am 32 years old. I am female. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a daughter, a sister, a aunt, a cousin, a friend, an employee and I am me. But who is "me"? Who am I? When I was 20 did I know? When I was going to school and hanging out with friends, going to bars, going to games, dating, did I know? Do we ever? Who am I past all of the "titles" I've given myself. I know I'd like to be a great wife, a terrific mom and a wonderful person.

Over the years I have lost track of me. This is me. I am Italian. I don't look it thanks to my mom's genes, but I consider myself Italian (yes 1/2, but don't argue with me, I'm Italian). I LOVE to cook. I love to cook things I do so well and I love to cook things I've never tried and only eatten at special places. I love to be creative, I can knit, I can draw, I love photography and I hate writing. Yeah, writing.

Also over the years, I've gotten fat. I'll say it, fat. When I met my husband I was working out, doing weight watchers, I looked good. Then it all went to hell in a handbasket. I started cooking for him, look at the lasagne I made, ooh, look at the cookies I made. Our first trip to see his mom, my jeans didn't fit. What? When did that happen? Oh well, out to get new one's. And this has happened over and over and over again.

Ok, so I created this blog to write, to get it off my chest, to be brutually honest with myself and who I am. I don't know you, you don't know me... I'll be honest.

When I met my husband 8 years ago, I had just hit 154 pounds. I was wearing a size 10, but had just found the most god-awful jeans in an 8 that fit! An 8, wow. But they were ugly. So what did I do? I bought them. Why? They were a size 8 that fit duh! I kept looking at myself thinking, I'm overweight, I need to lose more. In reality, yeah, probably. I could have probably lost another 10 pounds. What did I do? I gained instead. I have yo-yo'd up and down the last 8 years. MANY more ups than downs on the big ol' scale of life. On January 1st of this year, I weight in at 250 pounds. Oh shit, really? That much? I was 19 pounds OVER what I was when I got preganant with my son. That's a lot of weight!

I decided right then and there no more! I'm over this. What will my son grow up thinking? What lessons am I teaching him? I want him to learn health, and fitness, and self-confidence from me. None of which I was able to at that moment. So I have spent the last 4 1/2 months starting. This isn't going to be a quick fix. No surgery for this, no quick pill. It took me a long time to do this, it will take me a while to get back.

Where am I now?

I've lost 25 pounds. Yep, I'm happy. I was in a size 22 jean in January. Right now as I type I'm in an 18. My son weights 25 pounds. I carry him around and think, wow, that's heavy.

What am I doing?

I started with Hypno-therapy. I figured, the things that have gotten me to this point are pretty established. I need to change my mindset before I'll be able to do anything that will be permanent. Would I have been able to start without hypno-theraphy? Yeah. But I felt that I need to fix my way of thinking before I would really be able to lose weight. I've also started walking at lunch. I don't have a gym membership. I also have plantar-faciatis (sp?) in both feet, so I need to be careful. I walk 30 min 5 days during the week and try to chase my son on the weekends. My feet are better and I can go further in the same time each week.

Food?

I eat less. I've started to think of food as fuel. At 4pm at the end of the day, I pass over the possible cracker snack and instead go with a cheese stick, something that will help get me through to dinner. I've started to make a big pot of veggie soup each Sunday. So Monday through Thursday dinners are either soup or salad for me. I am doing weight watchers online and track what I eat. Even the bad stuff.

Attitude?

I'm worth it, and it's okay if I mess up. I can have a bad day and not completely lose it. This weight loss thing might take a year, it might take two or three, but I'll get there. I know it I will this time.

I'm also weighing myself each morning but only track it on Tuesday mornings. I'm learning how my body reacts to salt, too much food, not enough food, alcohol, exercise, etc.

So that's a long introduction. But that's "me" right now.

I am going to use this blog as a sort of journal. I will be trying to post once a day my thoughts, how I did, perhaps some recipes. I'll update my weight tracker every tuesday (or more if I get good news). I've finally realized that in order to lose the weight I need, I need to gain my self-confidence back firts. How do you do that when you don't like what you see in the mirror? I'm going to find out.

and P.S... today was the first time that I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw.

-ME